Crescendo In C Minor
There are days when I just go home, walk into my room, see my guitar standing in the corner, and wonder if we'll be able to make good music again together. Today is just one of those days.A few years ago i would've given up anything just to be able to perform on stage as part of a band and just let go. That feeling of being out of control yet still following the subtle rules of music, and the creativity of being able to add feelings to my music, are just some of the things that I really miss. Priorities of course, have all been rearranged when the reality of life dawned upon my feeble intellect. As much as there was this great passion to play, I realized that that same passion could not feed a family that depended on me.
Sure, there have been many very successful bands that are now reaping the fruits of their labor. But their success was a tough mix of pure talent, dedication and sheer dumb luck that spanned years, even decades. Back then, I had nothing going my way. I knew how to play the guitar and I learned pretty easily, but growing up amongst really talented musicians made me feel awed and at the same time insecure of myself. Don't get me wrong, my friends were great and playing with them on stage is a real blast; but when the gig was over I couldn't help feeling it was not my true calling.
Not that I know what my calling is now, though.
Speaking of callings, as you may be aware of, instead of hammering notes on my bass guitar I ended up hammering the desk on my workstation because that last caller couldn't spell "server". I work in a call center now and I won't say this is my calling either. I don't know if there's a 6-year old out there who'd tell you they'd want to be a call center agent when they grow up. I sure didn't. I wanted to be a journalist, or a composer, but fate played a different tune.
So here I am now staring at my guitar Ennui, and reminiscing all the good times we've had. I never got to play her on stage, but whenever I hang out over at a friend's house I'd bring Ennui along and our music would entertain all of the people in the crowd - yes, all three of them. I just play most of the time and have someone else sing.
Sometimes I would still strum out a few chords every now and then in the sanctity of my bedroom, just to keep these fat fingers active. I'm afraid the computer keyboard has made my fingers rather stiff and mechanical; I can barely finish a song now without nearly cramping the muscles in my hand. When all this is over though, and I finally retire I hope I can still play my guitar. I want to keep playing until the last song is played... and then I'll do an encore. Yeah.
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Meet Ennui.
Meet Ennui.
