Rantings of a Lunatic

Posted in feebility, mundaneity

What the hell am I supposed to do with you now? Look at yourself, all curled up in the darkness. You're a complete mess. Were you thinking I wouldn't notice? I know you better than anyone else. Even better than you think.

So what, are you just gonna clam up and do nothing? She has something that belongs to you, damn it! Are you just gonna lie down and let her get away with that? Oh, so you gave it to her!? What the fuck were you thinking!? Why the hell did you give her your heart?

You're better than this. No? That's what you always tell yourself, and look at where that mentality brought you. Tell me, has it ever done you any good? Some idiots never learn you know.

Get up. Get rid of the vodka and wash the hell up. You reek. You look like a filthy hobo. Do you think she's just gonna hand it back to you because of pity? You really are pathetic.

Take it back. Go to her and take the damn thing back. Why not? It ain't hers, she doesn't even want it. Can't you see that? You're more of a loser than I thought.

Just look at her. Holding your heart out to you. Teasing you. Tempting you. Waiting for you to try and take it back so she can hurt you even more by pulling her hand back as soon as you try to reach out.

It's time you start getting a life moron. Hey, I said get a life, not take one. Let go of the fucking knife!

What? You look at me with that knife in your hand as if you had the guts to do anything. You were never worth anything, genius. Why do you think everybody keeps laughing at you? You think you're smart? You think they like you? You're nothing! You are obscurity personified.

You're hopeless. Get out of my head.

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Tagged on the 13th (reposted from Multiply)

Posted in mundaneity

I noticed that there's a new form of chain mail going around on the world wide web. Unlike the Friendster bulletins that tell you to forward them stupid messages to as many friends as you possibly can in the next five minutes or else your mom's dog will get run over by your uncle Freddy's whore or this dead girl will come give you a hand-job in your sleep or something, this kind of chain mail is not so idiotic.

So I'm giving it a shot.

It's called tagging, or so I think that's what its called. Somebody tags you, and you're supposed to say things about yourself and tag some other sucker who's supposed to say things about himself, and so on and so forth. Hence, the chain mail effect. Lio Loco tagged me on his blog site, and so did Messy Nuthead a few months back, and recently Eina did too on Facebook, so I decided to give it a go.

And oh, in commemoration of today's historic event - Friday the 13th - I'm splashing 13 odd (and not so odd) things about me.

I am (or at least try to be) ambidextrous. Though born right-handed, I can write legibly (enough) with my left hand. I shoot that jumper from the top of the key with my left hand, and I can play table tennis with both hands. I respectfully blame the greatest Pinoy southpaw, Allan Caidic, for this behavior.
I have often been mistaken as a Chinese or Korean national. Though I am aware of my heritage, I can't speak a word of Chinese except when its time to bring out the tikoy and fireworks. Kung hei fat boy?
I have spent time in prison. And I don't mean that figuratively.
My left ear has an oddly different shape compared to my right ear. Got that from my Dad and Grandpa.
I used to have really long hair, partly because I wanted to hide my ears and because I just thought it looked cool.
I've never been good at romantic relationships, because relationships are supposed to be happy. I am not happy.
I don't have a drop of alcohol in my body. Maybe a few buckets of it.
I have the ability to procrastinate procrastination. I'll put off putting things off for tomorrow.
I've had sex with one of my female supervisors in the workplace. Didn't see that one coming, did you?
I am absolutely terrified by the screeching sound chalk makes on a blackboard, or by a pentel pen on paper, and by the noise of cooking oil when frying stuff.
I am a solid San Miguel Beer fan since birth. I'm talking about the basketball team.
I once taught somebody who was born with fingers only on his right hand how to play the guitar.
Despite what you see, I am God-fearing and I trust Him with the decisions I make in life.

There.

So, in keeping up with tradition I am tagging the following 13 people: Alvin O., Bob Lennart, Kalbong Intsik, Lynn B., Cpie, Darxide, Emman O., DJ Chloe, Iñigo Carlo, Christian Giff, Jennakish, Kukuk, and Polay.

You guys have just been tagged!

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Killing Cupid

Posted in happy thoughts, patheticism

I think this picture best exemplifies how much I hate Valentine's day.

Try as I might I can't deny the fact that this day always reminds me of how alone and miserable I've been these past few years. I mean, I go out on this day and all I see are mushy couples holding hands, or any other part of their anatomy for that matter. Why can't everybody just stay the hell away from me and make out somewhere else? For chris'sake get a gawd-damn room, I say to the lovestruck.

But this time though it wasn't so bad. I got to spend this year's hearts' day with her. We didn't go out on a date, we just ate out. I went out to buy memory for my PC and she just went to the mall with me. She knows about how I feel for her and I know how she constantly tries not to break my heart too badly. It's like everything I've ever wanted, but couldn't have. Oh well.

So we ate, and while we were there I couldn't help but stare at her. I tried not to by just stabbing at the salad so as not to creep her out. I felt so happy inside that I was lost for words. So lost that I think she got bored. But we did talk about a few things, like family and stuff. It was great. After eating I thought about asking her to go see a movie with me, but I figured it was Valentine's Day, and we weren't on a date.

Then there was this half-second again where our eyes met, and it felt like time stood still. Or I wish it did. I wish I could capture that moment when she looked at me and never let it go.

But now it's time to go back to living reality. And I still hate Valentine's day.

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3 AM

Posted in patheticism

Here I go again.

I find it difficult to write about what's happening to me without talking about what's happening to her. How I feel is greatly affected by how she feels. But I feel that I have to let this out, so here goes.

I had learned to keep my feelings to myself, simply because she had made that choice a long time ago and that choice wasn't me. So I accepted defeat just like I always do. And life moved in slow motion. But I was OK, and things were actually doing better between the two of us.

Recently, the choice she made turned out to be a terrible one. Apparently, he had other choices to make. I will not go into details, because I respect her right to privacy. In short, that miserable low-life broke her heart. Now I'm not one to hurl blatant invectives (that's Lio's job), but he clearly deserves to be castrated in his sleep.

So I just happened to be there for her when she needed someone, and of course I was happy to let her lean her head on my figuratively - and literally - over-sized shoulders. We spent a few good hours together that morning, and I honestly felt good about being there to help.

Now allow me to digress a little. Remember when I said I didn't deal with rejection so easily? I still don't, but there are times when I would step back and wait, because I just couldn't take NO for an answer. That has been what's bothering me. Right now, I am so willing to play rebound, its actually pathetic. All because when she said hell no, I waited. Patience has a sick way of becoming my greatest strength and my downfall at the same time. So now I'm caught between sincerely wanting her to be alright, and simply wanting her, period.

So with some guilt, I put my hand in hers in an effort to comfort her, but I also ended up enjoying it. I had always dreamt about holding her hand, but at that moment it felt all wrong. I just knew it was. She was at her most vulnerable and here I was taking advantage. Everybody pull their gun out now and shoot me please.

Suddenly I found myself spiralling down this familiar path again. I don't know how long I can keep this up. I just know I'm gonna break sooner or later.

I want to hold her hand again. But not like this.

So I sigh.

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