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Here I go again.

I find it difficult to write about what's happening to me without talking about what's happening to her. How I feel is greatly affected by how she feels. But I feel that I have to let this out, so here goes.

I had learned to keep my feelings to myself, simply because she had made that choice a long time ago and that choice wasn't me. So I accepted defeat just like I always do. And life moved in slow motion. But I was OK, and things were actually doing better between the two of us.

Recently, the choice she made turned out to be a terrible one. Apparently, he had other choices to make. I will not go into details, because I respect her right to privacy. In short, that miserable low-life broke her heart. Now I'm not one to hurl blatant invectives (that's Lio's job), but he clearly deserves to be castrated in his sleep.

So I just happened to be there for her when she needed someone, and of course I was happy to let her lean her head on my figuratively - and literally - over-sized shoulders. We spent a few good hours together that morning, and I honestly felt good about being there to help.

Now allow me to digress a little. Remember when I said I didn't deal with rejection so easily? I still don't, but there are times when I would step back and wait, because I just couldn't take NO for an answer. That has been what's bothering me. Right now, I am so willing to play rebound, its actually pathetic. All because when she said hell no, I waited. Patience has a sick way of becoming my greatest strength and my downfall at the same time. So now I'm caught between sincerely wanting her to be alright, and simply wanting her, period.

So with some guilt, I put my hand in hers in an effort to comfort her, but I also ended up enjoying it. I had always dreamt about holding her hand, but at that moment it felt all wrong. I just knew it was. She was at her most vulnerable and here I was taking advantage. Everybody pull their gun out now and shoot me please.

Suddenly I found myself spiralling down this familiar path again. I don't know how long I can keep this up. I just know I'm gonna break sooner or later.

I want to hold her hand again. But not like this.

So I sigh.


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Stories from the Simian Crease by Binchee is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Philippines License.
Based on a work at binchee.blogspot.com