Before we jump into the Yuletide festivities and welcome jolly old Saint Nick back as he plummets through the chimney, let's talk about costumes - Halloween costumes. I've compiled a few of my choice picks, but I promise you'll never see me wearing any of them. Besides, if I did, you wouldn't know anyway.

Pyramid Head - He's the dude from Silent Hill. A lot of the other monsters in the film look a helluva lot scarier than this guy but his get-up's much easier to reproduce. All you need is a cardboard pyramid over your head, a huge fake cleaver and some abs. That's my friend Daryl at our company's Halloween party two years ago. Or I think it was him. Yeah I'm pretty sure it was him.

Kratos - The war deity from the game God of War. He's still an easy make as all you need is some red body paint and a gaudy pair of medieval pants. Throw in some chains and fake weapons and you've really got something. Oh, and you're supposed to scowl a lot too. Abs, as shown in the photo, can apparently be optional.

Michael Jackson - I know, right? The King of Pop's popularity continues post mortem. I wouldn't make him my first choice, but I have a feeling you're gonna see Jackos everywhere soon. His look requires less prepping because you can practically buy the suit just about everywhere. Just don't forget to grab your crotch as often as you can when you're in character.

Dick - I honestly don't know who this guy is but I bet at least one of those things is real. If you're going to a costume party wearing this, stay away from the guy wearing the Michael Jackson outfit. And bring around seventy condoms just in case you get lucky with the girl in the Tifa Lockheart costume.

So, there you have 'em. Have fun this Halloween! I just want to get it over with so we can move on to Christmas, and presents. Presents! Yey!

I had been successful at concealing bullet blogs underneath some of my recent posts, but I think this one won't be so inconspicuous.

This whole post will be riddled with bullets. Not those stupid dots that you usually see, but invisible, intangible ones that only seem to make sense to me.

Anyway, coming to work still feels weird and sickening. Like I really care if your Internet connection's ridiculously slow or is as intermittent as my chain of thought, right? That's not my problem. But it's my job to fix it so shut the fuck up and do as I say.

An angel sat next to me at work today. I think her name was Arianne, or something. Yeah, I'm stalking her now. I'm a real ladies' man.

Lightning hit our street last night. Yes, the street. It was raining. Our neighbors, a bunch of half-naked bozos drinking on the street while betting on horses actually saw the lightning bolt hit the wet concrete. Everybody heard the loud crack when electricity met water. Too bad it didn't hit any of them drunk geezers. That would've been something.

I'm starting to think I might have some real anger management issues. I get so cranky when I'm hungry (still struggling with the diet), or when I don't get enough shuteye. Sometimes I feel like I want to hit someone. It's a scary thought.

I've been downloading like a horny teenager does with porn, except that I'm not a teenager and I wasn't downloading porn. This week I saw new episodes of Heroes, The Big Bang Theory, Ben 10, Smallville and Bones. I also saw the new Star Trek movie and I kept thinking Spock was gonna cut somebody's head open. Oh, and I also laughed my guts out while watching Ice Age 3. A typical week in the life of a pirate.

Mom's been badgering me all week about a loan that she says I should make. I'll probably give in to what she wants before month's end. After all, I'm filthy rich and I'll be able to pay back any debt all by myself. Yeah right.

Did I say this post was gonna be riddled with bullets? I forgot to say it will also be smothered in sarcasm.